5 Things You Can't Miss in Moscow...
and 5 Things You Should Definitely Skip
1. Bathe Like a Russian
Can't Miss
Go check out the public bath houses (called banyas). But if you can't stand the heat, get out of thekitchen banya, because you'll probably pass out.
In a multi-leveled steam room, a large Russian lady comes in, throws cups of water on the coals until your nostrils start to burn, then throws essential oils all over the walls and you (apparently they warn you to shut your eyes). She takes a towel and helicopters it around so you feel gusts of even hotter air. You start to wonder if your breaths are actually doing anything, because your lungs sure aren't inflating. Eventually the sadistic woman leaves, and everyone plays a game of chicken of who will give up first and go outside. When you FINALLY emerge from the lake of fire and brimstone, you jump into an ice bath, take a dip in a luke-warm pool, drench yourself in honey, and do it all again.
Skip It
Before leaving the steam room, you can get a "massage" from a lady who will beat your poor naked body with tree branches. You lay out on a table on the highest, hottest level of the sauna, and she starts whacking you over and over. Remember how you can barely breathe as it is in that extreme heat/humidity? I imagine it'd be like being smothered with a pillow while being attacked by the Whomping Willow. Um, yeah, no. Maybe next time.
2. Take a Trip to the Ballet
Can't Miss
Go see a ballet at the NEW Bolshoi Theatre. It's not as ornate as the original, but at least most seats have a good view of the stage.
Skip It
Don't see a ballet at the original Bolshoi Theatre unless you are willing to dish out a chunk of change on good seats - you might end up with a view of a pillar. Instead, you can tour the Bolshoi if you are willing to wait in line for a couple hours (they only let 15 people in a day, and the tour is in Russian).
3. Buy Tacky Souvenirs
Can't Miss
Izmaylovo Market is a bit off the beaten path, but if you have the means, go! You can get pirated DVDs if your conscience lets you (mine did), matryoshka dolls of anything from Dora the Explorer to the Pittsburg Penguins, hats and muffs, and your fair share of Soviet propaganda posters, pins, gas masks, and uniforms.
Skip It
Avoid the souvenir shops around any of the big tourist areas because you'll pay a fraction of the price at Izmaylovo. Especially if you are looking for hockey player matryoshka dolls.
4. Learn about the USSR
(you don't know how lucky you are, boy)
Can't Miss
The Gulag Museum was one of my favorite parts of the trip. They do a great job of showing the birth of the USSR, Lenin and Stalin's regimes, and a sobering display on the lives of 10 million people who perished in the gulags (the USSR's correctional work camps).
Skip It
I don't really have a 'definitely skip' on this section. The USSR fell in 1991 - that is not that long ago. To most people in Russia and the former states, communism is still more familiar to them than the presidential system they have today. Learning about the turbulent, manipulated Soviet history was uncomfortably fascinating, especially as someone coming from such a young western country.
5. Drink Like a Russian
Can't Miss
Be sure to have some thyme tea at the cafe directly beside the Christ the Savior Cathedral. And don't leave Moscow without sipping some peppermint tea at Master & Margarita! It's crowded and pricey, but so worth it to hear a violin, a viola, and a piano jazzing up anything from Vivaldi to Queen. Lastly, I'm in love with Morse (sp?), a cranberry-based juice with any and all other berries thrown in. Mm mm.
Skip It
Adults love Kvass. Kids love Kvass. But if fermented bread yeast is not your thing, you probably won't be a fan of this favorite Russian drink. I'd also steer clear of Tarkhun - a tarragon-flavored pop that was all the rage during the Soviet Era. It looks just like scope, and it tastes just like scope. I will pass.
and 5 Things You Should Definitely Skip
1. Bathe Like a Russian
Can't Miss
Go check out the public bath houses (called banyas). But if you can't stand the heat, get out of the
In a multi-leveled steam room, a large Russian lady comes in, throws cups of water on the coals until your nostrils start to burn, then throws essential oils all over the walls and you (apparently they warn you to shut your eyes). She takes a towel and helicopters it around so you feel gusts of even hotter air. You start to wonder if your breaths are actually doing anything, because your lungs sure aren't inflating. Eventually the sadistic woman leaves, and everyone plays a game of chicken of who will give up first and go outside. When you FINALLY emerge from the lake of fire and brimstone, you jump into an ice bath, take a dip in a luke-warm pool, drench yourself in honey, and do it all again.
Skip It
Before leaving the steam room, you can get a "massage" from a lady who will beat your poor naked body with tree branches. You lay out on a table on the highest, hottest level of the sauna, and she starts whacking you over and over. Remember how you can barely breathe as it is in that extreme heat/humidity? I imagine it'd be like being smothered with a pillow while being attacked by the Whomping Willow. Um, yeah, no. Maybe next time.
2. Take a Trip to the Ballet
Can't Miss
Go see a ballet at the NEW Bolshoi Theatre. It's not as ornate as the original, but at least most seats have a good view of the stage.
 |
| Carmen Suite at the new Bolshoi |
Skip It
Don't see a ballet at the original Bolshoi Theatre unless you are willing to dish out a chunk of change on good seats - you might end up with a view of a pillar. Instead, you can tour the Bolshoi if you are willing to wait in line for a couple hours (they only let 15 people in a day, and the tour is in Russian).
 |
| Bolshoi Theatre before our tour |
3. Buy Tacky Souvenirs
Can't Miss
Izmaylovo Market is a bit off the beaten path, but if you have the means, go! You can get pirated DVDs if your conscience lets you (mine did), matryoshka dolls of anything from Dora the Explorer to the Pittsburg Penguins, hats and muffs, and your fair share of Soviet propaganda posters, pins, gas masks, and uniforms.
 |
| I looked EVERYWHERE for NHL matryoshka dolls for my family - success! |
Skip It
Avoid the souvenir shops around any of the big tourist areas because you'll pay a fraction of the price at Izmaylovo. Especially if you are looking for hockey player matryoshka dolls.
4. Learn about the USSR
(you don't know how lucky you are, boy)
Can't Miss
The Gulag Museum was one of my favorite parts of the trip. They do a great job of showing the birth of the USSR, Lenin and Stalin's regimes, and a sobering display on the lives of 10 million people who perished in the gulags (the USSR's correctional work camps).
 |
| Shoes of a girl killed in a gulag |
 |
| Stalin propaganda literature |
 |
| Soviet photo manipulation: count the number of people in the original (top) picture, then see how many are missing in the fabricated copy. If you ever crossed Stalin, he essentially erased you from history. |
I don't really have a 'definitely skip' on this section. The USSR fell in 1991 - that is not that long ago. To most people in Russia and the former states, communism is still more familiar to them than the presidential system they have today. Learning about the turbulent, manipulated Soviet history was uncomfortably fascinating, especially as someone coming from such a young western country.
5. Drink Like a Russian
Can't Miss
Be sure to have some thyme tea at the cafe directly beside the Christ the Savior Cathedral. And don't leave Moscow without sipping some peppermint tea at Master & Margarita! It's crowded and pricey, but so worth it to hear a violin, a viola, and a piano jazzing up anything from Vivaldi to Queen. Lastly, I'm in love with Morse (sp?), a cranberry-based juice with any and all other berries thrown in. Mm mm.
Skip It
Adults love Kvass. Kids love Kvass. But if fermented bread yeast is not your thing, you probably won't be a fan of this favorite Russian drink. I'd also steer clear of Tarkhun - a tarragon-flavored pop that was all the rage during the Soviet Era. It looks just like scope, and it tastes just like scope. I will pass.
